I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
