Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
