I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
