Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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