why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
