she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
