I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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