I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
