4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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