i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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