I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
