My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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