shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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