Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How does it feel to date your dad?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
