I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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