I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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