Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
