I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
