as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
