i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
