My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
