i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
