i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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