you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
