what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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