so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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