The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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