What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
