I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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