So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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