we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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