I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
