My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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