The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
