Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
