batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Your shirt... Was in my pants
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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