wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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