I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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