I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
