Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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