You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize