The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wear drunk well.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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