Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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