I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize