Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
