i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
