$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
