Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
