Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
