I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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