Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
