don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
