I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
