yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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