I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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