I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
