well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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