my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
