What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
