I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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