he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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