If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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