I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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