Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
