im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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